Darkroom Adventures:
As usual, I’m frustrated in the color darkroom. I feel as though I’ll never be in tune to the nuances of color casts. Of course, I realise that I need to get back into the swing of things - continue ot train my eye, get used to seeing the colors on a regular basis. But the issue that I’m facing right now is having enough confidence in myself to let go of my professor’s hand. I’ll be printing alone for the next few weeks, and I’m simply so scared of producing work that’s so technically totally incorrect. (I need thicker skin.) And beyond that, it’s so frustrating to spend so much time on a single print, and then if it’s not correct, having to start from scratch again because once you leave a certain room, print on a different paper, or move the height of your enlarger, your color pack is guaranteed to be different. I hate that it’s my nature to be upset with anything but perfection, and in this brand new setting - art school - I can’t expect to be in a place where I’m excelling off the bat. On top of that, I’m working with some of the hardest elements - pavement and snow - and honestly frightened of them.
Beyond that, I’m not terribly confident in the work I’m producing right now. I’ve never connected to a tool the way I connected to the 6x6 medium format. I love the aesthetic of the 1:1 ratio - it’s so me, and feels so natural. It’s caused me to think about the world in a totally different way when framing it. But the 120 camera is gone, and I’m back to 35mm, to which I don’t connect at all. I’m not precise in my composition because I feel like I just have to plow through so many exposures, and I hate the way in which the 35mm ratio causes me to think. As a result, I’m not really excited by or particularly proud of the work I’ve been doing, and I’m not energised to go back to the places that made me excited because I’m not working in a medium that feels best.
I dislike that the wavering confidence I feel in every other area of my life is affecting my art, which really was my only release. I hate the pressure that the word “art” puts on things. I don’t intend to move mountains, shake foundations, or weave a new social fabric with my images. In general, it’s not my intention with anything I create, and I’m finding that my universal lack of confidence is affecting everything.
Perhaps it’s the mood tonight. I don’t know. Here’s hoping for a change.
M
