If I’ve learned one thing about myself this week, I’ve learned I have self-control. I may still be unnerved as sin and without sleep, but I haven’t been sending my agent daily emails or bringing anyone else into my madness (minus my admittedly sort of anti-social nature as of late).
Since Tuesday, I haven’t been able to get the image of Ellis’s packed Barnes & Noble out of my head. Since this novel really started becoming something, I set my penultimate goal as one day, no matter how far down the line it is, getting invited to read at the Union Square B&N. So, not only has seeing Ellis there affected me, but being part of a standing room only crowd waiting with bated breath for an author—in a world where literary celebrity is virtually non-existent—well, I suppose it’s always strange watching someone live out a dream you’ve put at the top of your list. Not in filled-with-heady-jealousy kind of way, but in a “Well, shit, I’ve got quite the task in front of me” sort of way. The mountain I have to climb doesn’t seem any taller lately, but at times I wonder if it’s gotten steeper.
Friday, I got some bits and pieces of news about editor submissions. I’ve gotten some very good reads and there’s interest (about which I’m too superstitious to speak, and I’m crossing my fingers so hard they might break), but also, the declines I’m getting (inevitably) are coming with rave reviews about the actual quality of prose. Despite them being nos, they’re reminders why I’ve gotten this far in the first place—and I’m not too proud to admit the reminder’s needed sometimes. (Side note: I’m also proud that I’m being down to earth enough to be able to see that there’s a such thing as a “good no,” and that I’m not in a “Waaahhh but no means no” depression spiral thing.)
I knew I was taking on a tough—if not taboo—topic. I knew that this process would be hard, and I need to give myself credit for the patience I’m exercising. Bottom line: If this is going to get published, I’ll need someone who’s excited to take a risk not only on a debut author but a hard subject, too. But some of the most memorable fiction has been the most controversial, and some of voices that have endured longest have risen through addressing things about which people don’t talk. I know there’s someone who wants to listen.
M
