Even small victories (perhaps especially small victories) must be counted, too.
To say that my prologue is an absolute nightmare is so mild that it borders on inaccurate. These first ten to fifteen pages have been the biggest struggle for me over the last two years. I’ve gone back and forth on what they should contain, and in the same session have been told that they’re both the best ten pages and the worst ten pages of my career. At this point, after recently trying a new approach, adding another couple thousand words, slicing and shuffling, I’m no more resolute on what needs to happen. I’m incredibly discouraged; I know what the feeling of the prologue should be, but I don’t know what the words should say. And the harder I push, the harder it’s pushing back. I feels like the well is dry, and the process is no longer organic. And those aren’t good feelings to have about the first ten pages that your potential agent and publisher are going to be reading, especially when you’re mere months away from submission.
While internalizing it all isn’t helping get these pages rewritten and formed into the right prologue, I haven’t let the massive roadblock bring down my physical morale, which is huge. One of the largest areas of self-improvement I’ve needed to address is my polar reactions to both the good and bad in my life, and especially things in which I put so much worth (a.k.a. this book). I’m a bit down when I think about the situation, and not jumping with motivation nor ideas trying to get this flowing, but I’m not losing sleep, and not letting it ruin my day. Or my life.
I know lacking that kind of fundamental functionality, maturity, and ability to actual handle my creative self is really the only thing that’s going to stop me from finishing this book. I feel good that I’ve proven to myself that the changes I went through are permanent and in effect. Ideas and inspiration ebb and flow. And as long as I’m in a manageable place, they’ll come back. And they’ll be the right ones. (In the interim, if someone wants to write this thing for me, I can pay in chocolate, baked goods…you name it.)
M
